It became real today that I'm not on vacation. That I have actually moved home. That I now have a different set of problems, ideas, life goals to live with. Two of my best friends live in the same house as my ex-husband. A home I still partially own, even though the divorce decree states that I own no stake in the gain or debt from the property. I drove down the main street to pick up Brandon tonight, and all of the plum trees were in full bloom. They've grown so much in the last 3.5 years. They almost form a full canopy over the street now. There's something to be said about a full cover of beautiful pink blossoms. It's part of the reason why we bought the house. It's weird to be a stranger in the house. It still has all of the paint colors I picked. The two clocks with Vancouver, and Japan time are still on the walls. I don't really feel a longing for it. It's just strange that a place that I made my home is not that way anymore. It makes me want a home of my own. One that will be built to last.
I am trying to learn patience right now. I feel like I'm doing a really great job of it...but that's based on only a few small instances. I am realizing how much patience I have for children. That's not something I thought I'd ever say, but living with an almost 4 year old is teaching me a lot. Mostly that I can love so unconditionally, it's amazing. Nolan has my whole heart. All of it, without abandon. Today, he went down for his nap. I fell asleep before his nap, I'm not afraid to admit that, even after I slept for 12 hours last night...but he spent the day playing at a friend's house, and then napped when he got home. I missed him so bad during his nap, that around the 2 hour mark, all I wanted to do was wake him up so he would cuddle and watch a movie with me. I love hearing him ask if I'm going to be there when he wakes up, even though Roy, Alissa and I have explained that I will be here for a few weeks.
I'm learning patience in other areas of my life. I don't know if I'm holding on to an idea that I should let go of, or if someone bigger than me is showing me another life lesson. It's hard sometimes living in my head. I always rush everything. Need answers now. I take the first good offer, not always the best one. I hope I'm seeing this clearly as an opportunity to grow, instead of my blind want for something. I've been praying hard about it, that it's not only my will, but the will of God that will be done, but the feelings still remain. It sometimes makes me uncomfortable to feel/think/pray this way. I think the changes in my life, in general, make me uncomfortable. But I guess growth does that to you.
Oh barf. It's too late. Tomorrow is my first day at my new store, and I should really sleep. Everything will be okay, and life will continue moving on as it always does. It's just kind of that way.
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