stuff.

I am too impatient. Too rash. I jump into things because I feel, because feeling feels amazing. Because people promise me shiny new things and never ending love.

I'm tired of being surrounded by belongings, by piles of stuff, and none of it matters. I've been buying myself nice things, splurging on nice meals, buying him things, and it does give me fleeting joy, especially giving gifts...but a year after this new splurge mentality, and what do I have to show for it? A crappy apartment filled with...stuff. $100 purses, dresses, designer scarves. Xboxes, games, crap. It hasn't done anything to get me to where I want to be.

I want a family. I want a solid marriage. A home to call my own. To get it right. Not to marry someone because they are in love with me, or are good for me, but because we are great for each other, because we love each other. Because I can't imagine living a day without that person. I don't think I've ever felt that. Yes, it's great that I gave love a chance, especially such a crazy in my face love, but I can't help but feel like I'm just an addiction for him. It is dreadfully nice to have someone pay so much attention to me, after years of being ignored...but he's not moving forward. His anchor is still firmly planted in all of the wrong he has done, no matter how much I tell him he's not a bad person.

And me, I'm chained down here, as well. I keep thinking that I can help him see his beauty, but even I'm starting to lose sight of it.

I spend my days laying here, letting life happen to me, when I should be living...but everything is one excuse after another. I know what I have to do, I just don't have the strength to crush another person. What a boner.

progeny.

5 years ago, I was resolved to never have children. 10 years ago, I said I'd wait until I was 25, but no later than 30.

A few months ago, I said it would take an amazing man to make me want to have a kid of my own. I got into the idea of dating someone with a kid. I've always had a phobia of babies. They seem so delicate, and they can't communicate. Nolan was the first baby I ever spent any amount of time around, and I didn't really enjoy myself until I could see him starting to figure out how to talk, how the outside world worked. I thought it would be kind of amazing to be with someone who had a toddler, or older. Young enough that I could still be a part of their formative years, and old enough that I can be respectful of their boundaries and they could let me know how they feel about me being in their life.

Last night, Blaine and I were watching Nolan. I'm not going to lie, it made me think about having kids. We've already had the kid talk, but it was only a couple of days into hanging out. He said he didn't want to have more kids because he came from a split family and he got treated poorly by the stepfather when they had more kids. He doesn't want his daughter to ever feel that way. I didn't really have a problem with that, because I assumed we could eventually get joint custody of his daughter. Last night, he asked again. I told him I felt the same. I told him completely honestly that having my own kid kind of scared me, that the world is full of children who need love, and I don't need my genetic material in the mix. I think he was amazed by the response, because he could pretty much read on my face how I felt when I watched him and Nolan. I asked him if his views had changed because of something that changed in his life. He just told me that he didn't think I'd be happy not having a kid. That it's not the same to love someone else's. I don't know that I necessarily think it is, but I don't see the harm in it. He told me that there should be little copies of me running around, that it would make the world a better place. That, for the first time since his daughter was born, he's okay with the idea of having another kid. I had to tell him that it's not something in the cards anytime soon.

For the first time, I'm thinking that if an accident happened, I wouldn't have it taken care of, or regret it. That having a kid with Blaine would be amazing. I'm not ready for it, but it's just insane to see how my whole life has changed because of love.

of love and death.

all human beings require love. so why is it so hard to simply love and be loved?

I can explain until my face is blue all the reasons why I fear giving over all of myself to a feeling that can so easily destroy my world. I never fully gave everything to my ex husband. I tried in all of the ways that I thought I should, but I didn't know what I was doing. I was always holding a piece back, because some part of me knew that I'd wind up hurt. I did everything I thought should happen. I married a guy that was nothing like my father. That made me less like my mother. I thought the farther I got from my parents, the more successful I could be. I married the guy that looked great on paper, and I loved him, but I was never tumbling out of control, couldn't feel my feet below my knees in love with him.

I feel so much around Blaine. And he pushes me. Demands that I love him in return, with all that I am. Intimacy is a language I have never been able to communicate in. Until now, I thought intimacy was telling someone everything about you. All of the fucked up things from the past, all of your fears of the future. It's how I thought I was letting my significant others in. I thought the more honest I was, the more I shared, the more they realized I was trying...but that's not intimacy. Blaine told me he didn't want to hear anymore about my ex. I didn't really know what to say. Or understand. It meant I was letting him in...but to him it meant I was pushing him away. I was projecting my fears on him. He told me he didn't want to hate some guy he'd never met for things he couldn't control. That he is a completely different person and would never do any of those things to me because he loves me. I didn't understand any of it, but I'm learning it. A new language. That letting him in means doing things I've never done with anyone else. It means being completely vulnerable, and unafraid. Letting go of all of the walls I've built up around myself. All of them. Accepting that he is going to be there regardless of how ugly it may be, how weak I may be, or how I have to fumble through stupid things that normal people do without thinking.

There are already things I have done that I never thought I'd do. I reach out for him. I hold his hand. I tell him he is beautiful and amazing. I don't get pissed when he blows up my phone on every break at work. I have stopped saying, "for future reference, when you date someone else", or alluding to us not working. I don't talk about my fears of the past repeating. I gave him a back rub for hours the other night, where I normally feel grossly uncomfortable touching someone else for that long. I tell him I miss him, even after a day, and I allow myself to feel that way. I'm moving out with him, and not allowing myself to freak out about how fast we're moving, or how much I feel. I am throwing away all creature comforts and trying to love like a child again...because I feel that way, because he deserves all of my love, and not only the parts I feel comfortable giving. Because if I don't give everything, it hurts. It hurts to think about him hurting, to think about not being with him. Because I feel like I'm starting life new. All of the things I've done in the past feel like they were all wrong. Like I need to do them all over again with this feeling in my heart. Because for the first time I don't hate cheesy love songs, I kind of understand them.

So that's it. I feel like all of the pain and hurt and terrible things in my life have died, and it's time to be free. To live life like it's supposed to be lived. I have been given an incredible gift, and I'm going to run with it.

that one thing.

So, I did it. I jumped in. I did it because I can't erase the way he looks at me from my brain. Because he smells good and because he makes me laugh. Because he says crap that you hear in movies. Because I think he really means them.

I tried to plan an adventure for us on our day off, Tuesday. I really couldn't figure out what to do that was free, and with poor weather, but as the morning went on, I just knew. I took him out to the ice caves in the Indian Heavens Wilderness on Mt. Adams. I didn't tell him where we were going, and he was patient through the whole two hour drive. Didn't ask questions, just kept talking to me about life and making me laugh. I'm not nervous around him. I feel like I can tell him anything, make any kind of ass out of myself, and it really wont matter. He's completely love drunk.

When we pulled into the parking lot for the ice caves he kind of freaked out. Told me not to tease him, because he loves crap like this. More points for him. He didn't care that he didn't have warm gloves, waterproof shoes, or a headlamp. He monkeyed his way around the caves, and smiled the whole time, even after he stepped in a half foot of ice water, soaking his whole shoe. I tried to take him to the land bridge, but I got my car stuck in the snow. I've never had problems driving in the snow before, and it only looked like a foot of snow...but it was more like three. Found that out as we spent three hours digging the car out of the snow with golf clubs and a crock pot lid. Where I'd normally be so pissed I'd be seeing red, or so frustrated I'd yell, I just laughed. We were both soaked through, and freezing. Laying on our sides, trying to dig out the snow from under the car so it wouldn't be high centered anymore. I started to get frustrated at hour two, and he looked at me from the other side of the car, smiled at me, and everything just went away. The lack of feeling in my hands, my soaking wet, covered in snow jeans, the tension in my shoulders, and the feeling that it was going to be hours before we got out of there. I just laughed. In that moment, I knew I made the right choice to give him a chance. That maybe, just maybe, it's not my impulsive drive getting me in trouble again.

We didn't wind up getting the car dug out. At hour three a ranger came and pulled us out. He drove the two hours home, even though he couldn't feel his feet. On the day that I planned an adventure for him, he wound up doing more for me. We argued about things on the way home...mostly who was going to be right more. He's not going to let me win. He's not going to let me give up or be stupid. Retreat into myself when I am afraid. This is the right kind of challenging.

I made dinner when we got back into town. We warmed up with soup in bread bowls, and then I said something about our relationship. He asked if that's what it was, a relationship. If I wanted to tell all my friends about it, and when we were actually first together, because we need to have an anniversary. He made fun of me for not liking titles. I told him to shut up, and then put us in a relationship on Facebook. He just laughed at me and told me he won, again. That was what he wanted all along, and he would have done it the first day he met me. What a boner.

Last night he met Roy, Alissa, Nolan and Mara. Nolan LOVES him. He is so great with Nolan. I am so in trouble now. I was kind of jealous. Nolan only reacted to me that way that fast before. After dinner, Nolan climbed into Blaine's lap and just wanted to be near him. Blaine is so patient with him, and so genuinely excited when Nolan gets excited. His face just lights up. There is NOTHING more attractive than a guy who is great with kids. Today, Nolan just asked if my friend could come back. I think part of it is that Nolan needs people to rough house with, and Blaine let him climb all over him like a spider monkey. I'll probably make him come over again on Friday so Alissa can get a break, and so we don't spend too much time cocooned up, blocking out the rest of the world.

I'm too impulsive. I'm lost in moments. Moments when someone tells you the most beautiful thing about you is what you consider one of your biggest flaws. Moments where you've spent the last three months wanting someone you've known for years to want you, and then someone spends twenty-four hours with you, and does nothing but tell you how much they want you. Moments where you want to be kissed, but you're postponing that first kiss for as long as you can. Moments where I said I wasn't going to date, and then all I want is to go on a date.

The pragmatist in me says it's just the beginning euphoria. That it will wear off, and it wont be so shiny and new. That it's not okay to go from waiting with baited breath on a guy who is just keeping you on the reel to someone who impulsively tells you you're amazing. That it's just fulfilling some sort of unfilled want. But what if it's not? It's so terribly rare for me to find someone so into the same music. So into being blatantly honest. Not into games. It doesn't help that I overloaded my senses by spending the last two days with him. So now I'm going to spend the next few without. Slow down. Go into the world the next time.

I've got to go to work. I still have things to process. Oh, life.

note to self:

write the post you've been thinking about for two weeks. the one about caging wild animals and not being the marrying kind...but don't do it tonight. you have to get up early for church.

climb on.

I met a beautiful man tonight. Easy on the eyes. Quick with the wit...and I met him climbing.

I've been doing a lot of things by myself that people think are weird. They make comments, but just because I don't have someone to go with me, doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy doing the things I want to do. I learned this when I was married and my ex didn't want to go out to shows with me. I went and saw Motopony at least three times by myself. Minus the Bear twice. And then I made friends who would go out with me. Since moving back, I can't get people to go out on weeknights. I kind of get it, but I'm not going to sit around. I went and saw Blue Like Jazz by myself. I went out to a show in Portland last night by myself. Sure, I knew Josiah, but it's not like we're best friends. 1776 was amazing. The show got shut down because it was too loud, and Josiah started spinning old 90's hip hop. Delightful. The mack was returned. Selfs were chiggity checked before they were riggity wrecked...

and tonight...tonight I climbed. For Ashley's birthday we went to the Circuit. There were so many people there. People who boulder are kind of d-bags. They watch you climb, and judge you on what level you are climbing at. I haven't climbed in months, so I'm climbing 0's. It's weird because you can watch guys look at you, and then stop paying attention when they see you climb at low levels. Maybe this is what it's like when people try to pick you up at the gym. I was married when I was going to the gym, so I never gave a crap...but now that I'm single, I like to watch. Either way, my hands are sore and torn up. I'm sure my muscles will be sore tomorrow, but I had fun. I flashed some v1s. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm also excited that my climbing pants fit, and are loose. I'm getting back in shape, and it feels good. I probably wrecked that by eating wings and fries and drinking beer tonight, but life is short, and I'm going to live it.

Tonight, we all ate el hefe spiced wings at Fire On The Mountain. It was kind of intense. Rob, Casey and I were the only people who didn't cry. Beautiful moment. I did have to drown my mouth in beer, which I'm not convinced made it better. It lead to really disgusting, loud burps, to which Casey responded appropriately by saying, "Who is this girl, and where has she been all my life?" He sang the crappy rock music they played in the restaurant to me. Thank baby Jesus I'm not dating.

So, I'm going to start working on my list. I know I have all of the predefined ideals. #1 - he has to have the ability to be a great father. This goes without saying because my dad was such a poor excuse as a father. Even if I don't have kids, I have to know that if it were a possibility, he'd be able to give my kids the family I never had. #2 - he has to be wicked smart, or sharp witted. I need someone to challenge me, and keep me on my toes. He can either have the same kind of mind as mine or compliment me. Either way, I do not ever want to be with someone who does not challenge me to think differently or grow.

Those are the two predefined absolutes. I'm starting to compile new items. Must love the outdoors, in some capacity. Camping, hiking, swimming, climbing, skiing, etc. Must like adventure...travel, new experiences, living life. I do not want a man who will sit at home while I go out. If I have kids, I want to take them climbing, camping, hiking, fishing, waterfall jumping. I want them to see all of the beauty that the world has to offer, and I want my future partner to feel the same way. He's got to have his shit together. I don't mean that he knows exactly where his life is going, or doesn't have any issues...but I want him to take care of himself financially. To have a career that he is comfortable with. Because I am not paying for someone else to go to school. I am not letting it take someone away from me, change who they are fundamentally and watch them cycle through a million careers while I am stable and waiting for them to start life.

Added bonuses: comes from a good family. One of the two of us should probably have an actual idea of what a good family looks like, and I don't have a clue. Plays an instrument. I want my kids to grow up in a house filled with music, and I don't play anything. It's not above me to learn to play something. I casually played a few instruments when I was younger, I've just never had the patience to master anything, and I get frustrated because my voice is AWFUL. Healthy sexual appetite is a bonus, too. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them.

So, that's my list. Being around a few couples who have been together for at least 7-12 years is making me realize how much people take each other for granted. I don't want to feel that way about whoever I'm with...or have them feel that way about me. To ignore their wants and needs because I'm selfish, or vice versa.

Yep.

pour positives into other people, he said.

I am a mess. I'm lost and cranky, and filled with doubt, and angry. I should be thankful. All I wanted was to get home, but I'm finding that I don't really have a home. All of these people said that they were excited for me to come back, and I'm having a hard time finding people to hang out with.

There are things that I am really bad at. I am terrible with patience. I am also terrible at being alone. I am terrible when I'm afraid of something, and I am horrible at letting go of control. I am also selfish. I mean, I love doing things for other people. I will always offer to pay for my friends if they can't afford to do something, and I love getting gifts for others, or writing a note that I know will make their day, but I am incredibly selfish in thought. 95% of what I'm thinking is about how I feel, how I could have changed situations, what would have happened if I had only done this instead of that, or how I wish life would be.

I'm trying to change all of these things. To actively work on them, but it's kind of insane in my head. Before I moved down here, everything looked like it had a certain direction it was headed, and it hasn't been anything like that.

I've been going to church with Alissa. Her pastor is rad, he's got a big heart, and I've kind of always gone to church with Alissa, aside from when I was driving up to Evangel. When she leads worship, I just want to compulsively sob. I figured it could be a good home church because I can tell that they would never let a leader in the church get away with telling someone they're not a good Christian because they dye their hair, and that they'll never be good enough because their family isn't Christian, or because they pray in a different way. But I didn't really know how to go about checking out other churches. I thought about trying Evangel again because I always felt so bonded to Jeff, but something didn't sit right with that thought. Then, out of nowhere, Eric messaged me about his church. So on Sunday I went to both churches. Back to back. It was really interesting, because some of the same things were being said in two different ways. At North Creek, the message was about speaking into others' lives. Learning to be grateful and share words of encouragement. To control your tongue with your spouse, children, coworkers, etc. In the message, Mark kept commenting about patience with your spouse, and then he, as a second thought, talked about single people, about how we'd find someone. How people in the church should speak encouragement to the single members. It was unsettling. I mean, the heart was there, was in the right place, and maybe that's where that body is. It's not where I am. I would like to have a healthy, loving relationship. I would like to someday get it right. But, right now, I'm more into getting my life right. Trusting people again. I want a family more than anything right now. I want a kid, and a strong, beautiful person to share my life with. The right kind of person. Someone who loves God and inspires me to be a better person. But I know how I am, and my relationship with God is not going to mean as much if I don't build it for myself first. So, any outside pressure to be with someone, especially because churches seem to want to pair people off, sets me back. It's not like the message fell on deaf ears. I'm kind of pissed because I felt convicted about my swearing. I'd been telling myself that God doesn't care if I say fuck. Or damn, or balls. I mean, the right thought is still behind it. Right? I guess not. I can also work on being more encouraging to other people. With learning to ask for help in the last year, I haven't been as giving as I have been in the past. I have been having a hard time learning to find a balance between being a doormat and asking for help when I need it.

So, right after finishing church with Alissa, I drove down to Solid Rock. It's probably the biggest church I've ever been to, when I wasn't there for a show or some sort of event. I didn't do the "first time visitor" bag, either. One thing that instantly impressed me was a couple that sat right behind me just started warmly and openly talking to me about when they go, the other campuses and didn't ask where I was from, what I was about, they just invited me in. Second thing: the worship was awesome. Peaceful, acoustic worship is great...but I like when there are layers. When it's loud and I can be loud. When it feels like you can fight for something when you're singing. That's where my heart is. That's part of where it always has been. Third: the message was relevant to me. I mean, it pushed me and I'm still thinking about it. It was about praying. Not hesitating to pray. To pray for other people, and keep an open dialogue with God. About how things wont make you happy. Situations. Relationships. How God doesn't half ass things. He does them all the way. If you dive in, you can get to where you want to be faster (with your relationship with him, anyway)...and then we were told to pray with the people around us. Dude, totally should have been uncomfortable for me since I didn't know anyone, but it wasn't. The couple behind me just opened up and told me what they needed. I told them what I needed, and we prayed. And it made me think.

I've been thinking about it for a long time. I'm not comfortable with certain aspects of Christianity. I don't really pray out loud. I pray in my head. It's a quiet dialogue that, when I'm in the right place, is going constantly. I mean, I've prayed over people. I've called out in worship at church before...but it's not where I'm comfortable, because there's a certain language that people who have been Christians for life have that I don't have. I'm a first generation Christian, and I became friends with people whose families raised them in the right way. Or they went to Bible College and learned this language. I became a Christian when I was 16, and only hardcore went to church until I was 20 or 21, and throughout that time, my dialogue with God was primarily silent, in my head. I dated a youth pastor for a while who would lead us in prayer, but he was a first generation Christian, who didn't have a problem with saying, "Dude, God, thank you for this and this and this. You're so rad, and blah, and blah." I don't actually believe that I have to say a certain set of words, but being told I was too "of this world" and judged for it left me with reservations about openly praying. But I prayed for this couple, and it was good. Lastly, I believe love is love. I believe that God can be there inside of the love a gay couple has for each other, and I think we do a gross disservice by shunning any kind of love...and as I was leaving, I saw a car with an equality sticker on it. So, it was a good day...and I'll be going back next week...and I'm excited about it.

In other news:
I deleted my Facebook. I spend way too much time on it, and it only serves to make me angry. It's a distraction, and it allows me to indulge myself. It reminds me of my complete and total lack of patience. It also enables me to not have meaningful relationships with people. If I can read about what they are doing, I don't need to actually talk to them, or find out if that's what is really happening in their lives, or if it's just a pretty picture they're painting. And maybe, if I can't indulge myself, I wont get pissed off about the things I don't have. I can focus on the great things I do have.

life is weird.

Well, it is. Strange things keep happening to me, and I feel like God is fighting really hard for me right now. Like the last year I've been struggling to put myself back together on my own by telling myself that everything is going to be okay and constantly saying the same things again and again to keep myself on the right path. And now he's just kind of there, saying, "Hey, I could have made this easier if you just would have listened in the first place."

Well, guess what, I didn't. But I'm trying to now...and it's confusing. So I've learned to accept love. So I've learned to love myself. Now I'm trying to get comfortable with becoming a part of a church family again. I'm terrified. It's not like I ever turned my back on God. I've never denied my faith in him, but his people suck. Well, mostly. Some of his people are the most beautiful people I've ever met. Either way, weird crap keeps happening. I'm trying to have a soft heart. I'm still scared. It's going to take a lot for me to have faith in a church family again. To let go of all of the crap. But I think that's where he wants me to be.

Ugh. I just want clarity. Everything is so muddled right now. Confusing. All of these feelings. For the first time in my life, I am truly seeking out what is actually healthy for me. I'm willing to make the hard choices to be happy. But it seems like as I make a choice that seems to be healthy, something challenges it. Maybe that means I'm doing something right. I don't know.

I know I'm thankful for this space. This is the first quiet journal I've kept in years. I haven't journaled for myself since after my dad died. I mean, I always journal for myself, but it's with the knowledge that others will be reading. I feel like a nutter when I reread it because I just restate things for myself. Like repeating a mantra is going to make it better. It kind of works, so far.

Whatever. I'm going to go talk to the dude in the sky for a while. Maybe tonight, if I really let go, he'll talk back. Can't hurt to try.

verbal diarrhea

On Sunday, I went and saw Blue Like Jazz by myself. I've gone to the movies by myself a couple of times prior to this, when I've wanted to see something that no one else would see with me. I did it with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which I fell asleep during...oops). Previously, when I've done this, I've been the only person in the theater by myself. At Blue Like Jazz, there were at least four other people who went by themselves. One was a rather large man in his 40's. One was another girl around my age (maybe younger), a guy around my age, and a guy younger than me. I was the only person in the theater who laughed out loud, and at seemingly inappropriate times.

The movie was hardly anything like the book. It had terrible CGI. TERRIBLE CGI. There's a scene near the beginning of the movie where Don is a poorly animated bunny chasing a carrot to "his future" in Oregon. If they had omitted that scene, I would have recommended to all of my friends that they see it. I will still recommend it, but not without a lot of laughing, and explaining first. A lot of the characters in the story remind me of my friends, or places I've been in my life.

When the movie was over, I lingered. I wanted to see who was on the soundtrack, because there were some good songs, but I had also sent my brother a text to meet up at the bar by his house. The guy around my age who came by himself kept looking back at me, and then stood up to leave. I wanted to see him the light, to see if I knew him somehow, so I got up after he left. I felt this creepy feeling. A weird draw. I've had it a few times before in my life. I've ignored it once or twice, and listened to it a couple of other times. The times I've listened have worked out well, and the times when I haven't have worked out really poorly. When I was a sophomore, I went to prom with the guy I was dating. His exgirlfriend had started dating this guy who was on and off of anti-depression medication. At the prom, outside, he made eye contact with me from across the patio, and I knew I should talk to him...but I didn't really know Rob that well. Two days later, he hung himself. I don't blame myself, but I always told myself I'd listen when I got gut feelings again.

I couldn't tell if this was one of those moments, or just that the guy was really attractive. Either way, I didn't say anything. The guy walked behind me, and watched me get into my car. I should have said something, but whatever. It is what it is. I can't think of what it would have been anyway. How I'd be pulled towards a complete stranger of the opposite sex, especially after just deciding to give up on trying to have relationships.

So, anyway...bar, with my brother. My brother has always been resistant to dealing with any issues from the past. He puts a coat of vaseline over issues and lets everything slide right over it. He's done it mostly with drugs, sometimes with girls, sometimes with meaningless sex. Matti is also the kind of guy who doesn't shut the fuck up, but also doesn't talk about anything that matters. Last time we were at my mom's house, she made me tell him how much I love him because he told her that he wants to kill himself because he doesn't think I love him. I'll admit it, I'm really shitty at family. My family drives me fucking nuts. As a defense mechanism I've cut them out over the years. I have tried to learn to keep them closer recently, but I only keep them close enough that I don't go ape-shit. It's taken me years to get to a healthy place. And now my brother is trying to get to a healthy place. He's in therapy. He's talking candidly about Dad dying. Talking about how he is finally dealing with shit that happened 8 years ago. I'm proud of him, but it's hard to listen to. He tells me about how he wakes up from night terrors, screaming like it all happened yesterday. It took me years to get over this. I did all of this. I hope he has an easier time of it. I hope that his girlfriend stays around for it, too. I don't know if he can handle going through all of this shit and his girlfriend leaving. I hope he doesn't get the half of what I got. But I don't know if he will. Or maybe it will be worse because he's buried it for so long.

Lately, I've just been reflecting a lot. About the things I want, where I've come from, and the amount of ground I've gained in the last year. I'm finally home. I have a job that pays well, and I'm comfortable being by myself for the first time. I'm starting to realize I can have all of the things in my life that I've always wanted and that I'm healthy enough to not push away people because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm starting to form a list of qualities in my head, and not settling for less. I'm still trying to find a balance between being soft enough to let people in, and hard enough to not let them walk all over me, but hey, what fun is life if you have all of the answers?

desire is the grassfire drinking gasoline

When I need a good cry, I usually put on a movie that strikes a chord with me. Last night I put on Good Will Hunting. I will usually watch it when it is on TV, but I haven't had cable in three years, and I can only catch 30 minutes of a movie at work. The part where Robin Williams slowly tells Will that everything that has happened to him is not his fault gets me every fucking time. Every time.

 Last week was a really bad week. A lot of crap came up and slapped me across the face. It came to a head on Friday, and I felt really alone. I want a family pretty badly right now. People who are there for me, no matter what. It helped that Nolan asked me to give him his bath. Me to read his bedtime story. Me to stay with him after we all prayed...and I did. I laid there quietly, and watched him fall asleep, and after he was asleep, tears just started pouring down my face until I fell asleep. I'm stressed and nervous about tomorrow. And I have all of these wants right now. Crazy desires. I need to focus on something else. I know I'm going to have all of the things I want in life. But right now I need to focus on what I need. I have only three months left of paying off my lawyer. That is incredibly exciting. I need to get my stuff moved into a storage unit, or into an apartment. Neither feels really right. I want to stay here another month, but I should probably go. It's going to be hard enough to leave Nolan. I know I can come over anytime. I just want a family so bad right now. I've spent the last year putting my life back together, and this has been the crowning jewel. Living with a kid. Seeing what it's like. He enriches my life.

 Either way, it's time to make my own place. My nest. Pull my head out of the clouds and the dreams and making my own happiness. Getting outdoors. Climbing. I haven't been hiking once since I've been home. Fail. Serious fail...but first, take care of tomorrow. Move stuff out of the garage it's in this week. Maybe find a place to live.

 Ugh.

two weeks home.

I want this.

I thought I'd miss Mt. Vernon more. I barely think about the valley. I think about my friends sometimes, but I'm so caught up in my new role at work, seeing old friends, and thinking about how different it is to be home. How much it really feels like home. I've had a couple of people ask me why I came back. I respond with the same thing, "I never wanted to leave." I get to do a lot of explaining about who I am, where I've been, what I'm about to all of the new people I meet at work. Sometimes it's hard to answer. I am getting incredibly tired of people asking me where I went to school. I almost feel like I'm less of a person in the eyes of others without a degree. I am, apparently, very fortunate to be at my level without a degree.

One thing I am not sick of is the opportunity I have to learn and grow in my store. Target rarely ever shuts down stores. I get to help close Jantzen Beach. I get to help with merchandise transfers, merchandising a store that is trying to close down, yet still maintain all of our normal standards. We are 59 days out from our store closing. After the store closes, I get to go be support help in another store for two months. Then I get the amazing opportunity to open a brand new store. I get to help with planorama, stocking, training a new team, and all that comes with all new equipment, fixtures, etc. I got to go to Hawaii to help with the first Target opened on the islands. That was so amazing, that I really can't wait to get to do it again here in Portland. I'm hoping that I can play my cards just right and get to help open the Portland City Target...but who knows where I will be in a year.

Aside from work, it's been nice to be home. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by memories that flash back when I am driving around town. I have done so much in this town. It feels like I have lived the lives of four different people, not just one. I run into people who I haven't seen in years. People keep telling me how much I've changed. I can't help but wonder how batshit crazy I seemed in the past. How people perceived me versus how I saw myself. I guess no one can ever say I'm not memorable. I'm learning a lot about that as well. That's a post for a different day.

a piece of you for a piece of me.

It became real today that I'm not on vacation. That I have actually moved home. That I now have a different set of problems, ideas, life goals to live with. Two of my best friends live in the same house as my ex-husband. A home I still partially own, even though the divorce decree states that I own no stake in the gain or debt from the property. I drove down the main street to pick up Brandon tonight, and all of the plum trees were in full bloom. They've grown so much in the last 3.5 years. They almost form a full canopy over the street now. There's something to be said about a full cover of beautiful pink blossoms. It's part of the reason why we bought the house. It's weird to be a stranger in the house. It still has all of the paint colors I picked. The two clocks with Vancouver, and Japan time are still on the walls. I don't really feel a longing for it. It's just strange that a place that I made my home is not that way anymore. It makes me want a home of my own. One that will be built to last.

I am trying to learn patience right now. I feel like I'm doing a really great job of it...but that's based on only a few small instances. I am realizing how much patience I have for children. That's not something I thought I'd ever say, but living with an almost 4 year old is teaching me a lot. Mostly that I can love so unconditionally, it's amazing. Nolan has my whole heart. All of it, without abandon. Today, he went down for his nap. I fell asleep before his nap, I'm not afraid to admit that, even after I slept for 12 hours last night...but he spent the day playing at a friend's house, and then napped when he got home. I missed him so bad during his nap, that around the 2 hour mark, all I wanted to do was wake him up so he would cuddle and watch a movie with me. I love hearing him ask if I'm going to be there when he wakes up, even though Roy, Alissa and I have explained that I will be here for a few weeks.

I'm learning patience in other areas of my life. I don't know if I'm holding on to an idea that I should let go of, or if someone bigger than me is showing me another life lesson. It's hard sometimes living in my head. I always rush everything. Need answers now. I take the first good offer, not always the best one. I hope I'm seeing this clearly as an opportunity to grow, instead of my blind want for something. I've been praying hard about it, that it's not only my will, but the will of God that will be done, but the feelings still remain. It sometimes makes me uncomfortable to feel/think/pray this way. I think the changes in my life, in general, make me uncomfortable. But I guess growth does that to you.

Oh barf. It's too late. Tomorrow is my first day at my new store, and I should really sleep. Everything will be okay, and life will continue moving on as it always does. It's just kind of that way.

just thinking...

Today I got a phone call from the Cowlitz County Sheriff's Department. My heart sank. The first thing I could think of was, "Who died?" Followed by, "What did I do wrong?"

Turns out it was a background check for my ex-husband. I tried to remind myself of the way I used to feel about him, instead of how I currently feel, because I didn't want to royally fuck him over. The officer doing the background check was incredibly thorough and asked a lot of probing questions. This was the most I've thought about him since before Christmas. After further thinking about it, I think some of the things I told the officer I felt about him are lies. I like to think that he is one of the most honest and patient people I've ever met...but I don't know that he is. If I ever get married again, I am going to have to work through a lot of trust issues when it comes to finances. I don't know if I want to fully share my money with anyone else ever again. I'm also going to be paranoid about someone else pulling away from me. I've worked through almost every issue...but those are the two that remain. I'm terrified of meeting another man that wants to be "strong" for me. That's not what I want at all, and I always made that abundantly clear.

It's strange to think about him. To realize that I don't think about him. Someone I promised my life to. Strange to remember how I felt after we moved out of the house, and thought I'd never want to get married again. To feel how I feel now. More free than I've ever felt. Free from the walls I built around my own heart. Our whole relationship I tried to learn to let him in, told him everything about me, but I was always so afraid of being hurt. I went to counseling. I learned to make sacrifices. I moved away from all of my friends, to a place that had nothing to offer me aside from the man I pledged my life to, only to be isolated and neglected. It was a self fulfilling prophecy.

I still remember sitting down at the co-op before I moved to Mt. Vernon, with Taylor. We had dinner, and she told me about her family. Things she'd never told anyone, and she looked up at me and told me she loved me. I remember that terrifying me, wanting to crawl into myself and run. How could someone who I had met only four months earlier love me? And a friend. Someone who didn't want anything from me, didn't want to sleep with me, be with me, impress me, win me over. She just loved me because I listened. Because she loved what I was about. That naive, blonde, 21 year old girl loved me for who I was. It took me another month, but she was the first person I called when I was crying myself to sleep. When I couldn't eat, couldn't bare to be alone. It took being terrified of a friend telling me she loved me to make me realize something in me was irreparably broken and had been my whole life. To grow the balls to change it.

I don't think I knew how to really be loved until last summer. I don't think I knew the meaning of freedom...and strangely, with all of this I've also learned to be comfortable by myself. I still have some strange walls to tear down, but that's the next step. I'm terrified, and excited all at once. Everything happening around my move home could not be more planned, and perfect. The week before my birthday, as I was driving home from watching Taylor at open mic night, it started snowing big, fat, beautiful flakes. Snow always reminds me that there's someone bigger than me, watching out for me. All of the times climbing in the early morning, as the sun rises over mountains, and you just feel someone there behind you, but you're at the end of the group. So, as the snow hit my windshield, I just laughed. I asked God for two things for my birthday, to come home to Portland, and something else that I think he's working on. That weekend I got a job offer. I took it, even though it wasn't what I wanted. I am terrible at leaps of faith, but how could I not? As I started getting anxious about it, and thinking about looking at other jobs, someone at my level in the store quit. I am perfectly sliding into that position next week. All of my anxieties about moving home have been taken care of, too. I have a place to store my stuff for free for a month, and one of my friends is helping me get my car down there. I am terrible with change. I start to rebel, and try to control everything in my life through rebellion and wild antics...but I have Roy, Alissa and Nolan there. I'm going to stay with them for a month to help calm me, help me transition, and give me time to find a place of my own that I will really love. The big guy upstairs has been all over this transition.

So the next step. The thing that terrifies me is getting back into a church. I haven't been a part of a church family since I lived in Longview. Too burned by too many people. When I met Kapper, one of the things I loved about him was his faith. I thought I'd return to church, but then he got burned and turned his back. Fuck, that was 5 years ago. One of my absolute favorite things on this planet is worship, and I suppose I have found my weird, individual ways of doing it on my own. Talking to God on the side of a mountain. Crying while listening to music. Praying silently in my head. But a part of me has been breaking lately. Last year on one of my trips home, I went to church with Alissa...she wasn't even leading worship, but it didn't feel foreign. So I'm going to try going when I move home. I'm apprehensive. I'm terrified. Last time I was home, Alissa broke out her guitar and started playing some new worship songs they want her to learn, and tears welled up in my eyes. I miss it so bad. So this is me. Tearing down a big wall a year, I guess. We'll see how this one goes. I think it's going to be harder than learning to love/be loved...but part of it goes hand in hand, I think.

Ha, if you had told me this would be me just a year ago, I wouldn't have believed you. Look at me go.