stuff.

I am too impatient. Too rash. I jump into things because I feel, because feeling feels amazing. Because people promise me shiny new things and never ending love.

I'm tired of being surrounded by belongings, by piles of stuff, and none of it matters. I've been buying myself nice things, splurging on nice meals, buying him things, and it does give me fleeting joy, especially giving gifts...but a year after this new splurge mentality, and what do I have to show for it? A crappy apartment filled with...stuff. $100 purses, dresses, designer scarves. Xboxes, games, crap. It hasn't done anything to get me to where I want to be.

I want a family. I want a solid marriage. A home to call my own. To get it right. Not to marry someone because they are in love with me, or are good for me, but because we are great for each other, because we love each other. Because I can't imagine living a day without that person. I don't think I've ever felt that. Yes, it's great that I gave love a chance, especially such a crazy in my face love, but I can't help but feel like I'm just an addiction for him. It is dreadfully nice to have someone pay so much attention to me, after years of being ignored...but he's not moving forward. His anchor is still firmly planted in all of the wrong he has done, no matter how much I tell him he's not a bad person.

And me, I'm chained down here, as well. I keep thinking that I can help him see his beauty, but even I'm starting to lose sight of it.

I spend my days laying here, letting life happen to me, when I should be living...but everything is one excuse after another. I know what I have to do, I just don't have the strength to crush another person. What a boner.