Somedays I don't really know what I'm doing here. I know what I want from life, but I don't really know if it's something that will happen. It's a strange and chaotic thing to try and build a stable life with two unstable people. You can work as hard as possible, and it still hinges upon other people doing the legwork, too. I mean, I guess that's the whole point of a partnership.

I think I've done a phenomenal job of completely suffocating Miller since I've been here. I feel like I'm finally coming into my own, and finding friends. Building relationships that matter. I need to get out more, see the city, explore nature. I need to find a hiking partner. Or not. Just get the fuck outside. It's where I feel best.

I started seeing a counselor. I have been getting so deep inside my own head. I am so consistently terrified of Miller leaving me. I am the biggest ball of insecurity. I don't think I've ever noticed how sick I really am. I have made myself this way. I typically date guys who are so into me that I don't really have to worry about feeling insecure. They tell me I'm beautiful, fawn over me, I don't know that it's necessarily healthy, but it made it so I didn't constantly fear being abandoned. I'm working through that with my counselor. I'm also trying to work through my anxiety. She's teaching me about breathing. I really felt like I had nailed a lot of this stuff down when I was back home. I didn't panic. I didn't feel the need for chaos. I was surrounding myself with people who are supportive and honest. I couldn't have asked for better friends. I spent years building them, and it just got easier with time. Now I'm trying to do it in my relationship, and mucking it all up.

I'm so worried about every little thing. About the texts I send, if he loves me more than the other women he's had in his life. But I have to stop and look at the facts. I'm here, in his house. He talks about building a future with me. He makes steps towards a future. His words aren't always pretty, he's not always affectionate, he doesn't always want to spend time with me, he's not always nice. He's also figuring out how to love, too. I'm sure it doesn't help to have me here, asking him if he loves me every three days. But I get so jammed up. It feels like everything is falling apart, and the only thing that can fix it, is asking for reassurance. Ugh.

I'm such a mess. I know I can't move forward if I keep carrying the past with me everywhere I go.

So how do I take action from here? Breathe more? Take a moment when I feel like everything will explode? I don't know how to do this part. I don't know how to squash this paralyzing insecurity.

I guess I can ask my counselor.