that one thing.

So, I did it. I jumped in. I did it because I can't erase the way he looks at me from my brain. Because he smells good and because he makes me laugh. Because he says crap that you hear in movies. Because I think he really means them.

I tried to plan an adventure for us on our day off, Tuesday. I really couldn't figure out what to do that was free, and with poor weather, but as the morning went on, I just knew. I took him out to the ice caves in the Indian Heavens Wilderness on Mt. Adams. I didn't tell him where we were going, and he was patient through the whole two hour drive. Didn't ask questions, just kept talking to me about life and making me laugh. I'm not nervous around him. I feel like I can tell him anything, make any kind of ass out of myself, and it really wont matter. He's completely love drunk.

When we pulled into the parking lot for the ice caves he kind of freaked out. Told me not to tease him, because he loves crap like this. More points for him. He didn't care that he didn't have warm gloves, waterproof shoes, or a headlamp. He monkeyed his way around the caves, and smiled the whole time, even after he stepped in a half foot of ice water, soaking his whole shoe. I tried to take him to the land bridge, but I got my car stuck in the snow. I've never had problems driving in the snow before, and it only looked like a foot of snow...but it was more like three. Found that out as we spent three hours digging the car out of the snow with golf clubs and a crock pot lid. Where I'd normally be so pissed I'd be seeing red, or so frustrated I'd yell, I just laughed. We were both soaked through, and freezing. Laying on our sides, trying to dig out the snow from under the car so it wouldn't be high centered anymore. I started to get frustrated at hour two, and he looked at me from the other side of the car, smiled at me, and everything just went away. The lack of feeling in my hands, my soaking wet, covered in snow jeans, the tension in my shoulders, and the feeling that it was going to be hours before we got out of there. I just laughed. In that moment, I knew I made the right choice to give him a chance. That maybe, just maybe, it's not my impulsive drive getting me in trouble again.

We didn't wind up getting the car dug out. At hour three a ranger came and pulled us out. He drove the two hours home, even though he couldn't feel his feet. On the day that I planned an adventure for him, he wound up doing more for me. We argued about things on the way home...mostly who was going to be right more. He's not going to let me win. He's not going to let me give up or be stupid. Retreat into myself when I am afraid. This is the right kind of challenging.

I made dinner when we got back into town. We warmed up with soup in bread bowls, and then I said something about our relationship. He asked if that's what it was, a relationship. If I wanted to tell all my friends about it, and when we were actually first together, because we need to have an anniversary. He made fun of me for not liking titles. I told him to shut up, and then put us in a relationship on Facebook. He just laughed at me and told me he won, again. That was what he wanted all along, and he would have done it the first day he met me. What a boner.

Last night he met Roy, Alissa, Nolan and Mara. Nolan LOVES him. He is so great with Nolan. I am so in trouble now. I was kind of jealous. Nolan only reacted to me that way that fast before. After dinner, Nolan climbed into Blaine's lap and just wanted to be near him. Blaine is so patient with him, and so genuinely excited when Nolan gets excited. His face just lights up. There is NOTHING more attractive than a guy who is great with kids. Today, Nolan just asked if my friend could come back. I think part of it is that Nolan needs people to rough house with, and Blaine let him climb all over him like a spider monkey. I'll probably make him come over again on Friday so Alissa can get a break, and so we don't spend too much time cocooned up, blocking out the rest of the world.

I'm too impulsive. I'm lost in moments. Moments when someone tells you the most beautiful thing about you is what you consider one of your biggest flaws. Moments where you've spent the last three months wanting someone you've known for years to want you, and then someone spends twenty-four hours with you, and does nothing but tell you how much they want you. Moments where you want to be kissed, but you're postponing that first kiss for as long as you can. Moments where I said I wasn't going to date, and then all I want is to go on a date.

The pragmatist in me says it's just the beginning euphoria. That it will wear off, and it wont be so shiny and new. That it's not okay to go from waiting with baited breath on a guy who is just keeping you on the reel to someone who impulsively tells you you're amazing. That it's just fulfilling some sort of unfilled want. But what if it's not? It's so terribly rare for me to find someone so into the same music. So into being blatantly honest. Not into games. It doesn't help that I overloaded my senses by spending the last two days with him. So now I'm going to spend the next few without. Slow down. Go into the world the next time.

I've got to go to work. I still have things to process. Oh, life.

note to self:

write the post you've been thinking about for two weeks. the one about caging wild animals and not being the marrying kind...but don't do it tonight. you have to get up early for church.

climb on.

I met a beautiful man tonight. Easy on the eyes. Quick with the wit...and I met him climbing.

I've been doing a lot of things by myself that people think are weird. They make comments, but just because I don't have someone to go with me, doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy doing the things I want to do. I learned this when I was married and my ex didn't want to go out to shows with me. I went and saw Motopony at least three times by myself. Minus the Bear twice. And then I made friends who would go out with me. Since moving back, I can't get people to go out on weeknights. I kind of get it, but I'm not going to sit around. I went and saw Blue Like Jazz by myself. I went out to a show in Portland last night by myself. Sure, I knew Josiah, but it's not like we're best friends. 1776 was amazing. The show got shut down because it was too loud, and Josiah started spinning old 90's hip hop. Delightful. The mack was returned. Selfs were chiggity checked before they were riggity wrecked...

and tonight...tonight I climbed. For Ashley's birthday we went to the Circuit. There were so many people there. People who boulder are kind of d-bags. They watch you climb, and judge you on what level you are climbing at. I haven't climbed in months, so I'm climbing 0's. It's weird because you can watch guys look at you, and then stop paying attention when they see you climb at low levels. Maybe this is what it's like when people try to pick you up at the gym. I was married when I was going to the gym, so I never gave a crap...but now that I'm single, I like to watch. Either way, my hands are sore and torn up. I'm sure my muscles will be sore tomorrow, but I had fun. I flashed some v1s. I'm pretty excited about that. I'm also excited that my climbing pants fit, and are loose. I'm getting back in shape, and it feels good. I probably wrecked that by eating wings and fries and drinking beer tonight, but life is short, and I'm going to live it.

Tonight, we all ate el hefe spiced wings at Fire On The Mountain. It was kind of intense. Rob, Casey and I were the only people who didn't cry. Beautiful moment. I did have to drown my mouth in beer, which I'm not convinced made it better. It lead to really disgusting, loud burps, to which Casey responded appropriately by saying, "Who is this girl, and where has she been all my life?" He sang the crappy rock music they played in the restaurant to me. Thank baby Jesus I'm not dating.

So, I'm going to start working on my list. I know I have all of the predefined ideals. #1 - he has to have the ability to be a great father. This goes without saying because my dad was such a poor excuse as a father. Even if I don't have kids, I have to know that if it were a possibility, he'd be able to give my kids the family I never had. #2 - he has to be wicked smart, or sharp witted. I need someone to challenge me, and keep me on my toes. He can either have the same kind of mind as mine or compliment me. Either way, I do not ever want to be with someone who does not challenge me to think differently or grow.

Those are the two predefined absolutes. I'm starting to compile new items. Must love the outdoors, in some capacity. Camping, hiking, swimming, climbing, skiing, etc. Must like adventure...travel, new experiences, living life. I do not want a man who will sit at home while I go out. If I have kids, I want to take them climbing, camping, hiking, fishing, waterfall jumping. I want them to see all of the beauty that the world has to offer, and I want my future partner to feel the same way. He's got to have his shit together. I don't mean that he knows exactly where his life is going, or doesn't have any issues...but I want him to take care of himself financially. To have a career that he is comfortable with. Because I am not paying for someone else to go to school. I am not letting it take someone away from me, change who they are fundamentally and watch them cycle through a million careers while I am stable and waiting for them to start life.

Added bonuses: comes from a good family. One of the two of us should probably have an actual idea of what a good family looks like, and I don't have a clue. Plays an instrument. I want my kids to grow up in a house filled with music, and I don't play anything. It's not above me to learn to play something. I casually played a few instruments when I was younger, I've just never had the patience to master anything, and I get frustrated because my voice is AWFUL. Healthy sexual appetite is a bonus, too. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them.

So, that's my list. Being around a few couples who have been together for at least 7-12 years is making me realize how much people take each other for granted. I don't want to feel that way about whoever I'm with...or have them feel that way about me. To ignore their wants and needs because I'm selfish, or vice versa.

Yep.

pour positives into other people, he said.

I am a mess. I'm lost and cranky, and filled with doubt, and angry. I should be thankful. All I wanted was to get home, but I'm finding that I don't really have a home. All of these people said that they were excited for me to come back, and I'm having a hard time finding people to hang out with.

There are things that I am really bad at. I am terrible with patience. I am also terrible at being alone. I am terrible when I'm afraid of something, and I am horrible at letting go of control. I am also selfish. I mean, I love doing things for other people. I will always offer to pay for my friends if they can't afford to do something, and I love getting gifts for others, or writing a note that I know will make their day, but I am incredibly selfish in thought. 95% of what I'm thinking is about how I feel, how I could have changed situations, what would have happened if I had only done this instead of that, or how I wish life would be.

I'm trying to change all of these things. To actively work on them, but it's kind of insane in my head. Before I moved down here, everything looked like it had a certain direction it was headed, and it hasn't been anything like that.

I've been going to church with Alissa. Her pastor is rad, he's got a big heart, and I've kind of always gone to church with Alissa, aside from when I was driving up to Evangel. When she leads worship, I just want to compulsively sob. I figured it could be a good home church because I can tell that they would never let a leader in the church get away with telling someone they're not a good Christian because they dye their hair, and that they'll never be good enough because their family isn't Christian, or because they pray in a different way. But I didn't really know how to go about checking out other churches. I thought about trying Evangel again because I always felt so bonded to Jeff, but something didn't sit right with that thought. Then, out of nowhere, Eric messaged me about his church. So on Sunday I went to both churches. Back to back. It was really interesting, because some of the same things were being said in two different ways. At North Creek, the message was about speaking into others' lives. Learning to be grateful and share words of encouragement. To control your tongue with your spouse, children, coworkers, etc. In the message, Mark kept commenting about patience with your spouse, and then he, as a second thought, talked about single people, about how we'd find someone. How people in the church should speak encouragement to the single members. It was unsettling. I mean, the heart was there, was in the right place, and maybe that's where that body is. It's not where I am. I would like to have a healthy, loving relationship. I would like to someday get it right. But, right now, I'm more into getting my life right. Trusting people again. I want a family more than anything right now. I want a kid, and a strong, beautiful person to share my life with. The right kind of person. Someone who loves God and inspires me to be a better person. But I know how I am, and my relationship with God is not going to mean as much if I don't build it for myself first. So, any outside pressure to be with someone, especially because churches seem to want to pair people off, sets me back. It's not like the message fell on deaf ears. I'm kind of pissed because I felt convicted about my swearing. I'd been telling myself that God doesn't care if I say fuck. Or damn, or balls. I mean, the right thought is still behind it. Right? I guess not. I can also work on being more encouraging to other people. With learning to ask for help in the last year, I haven't been as giving as I have been in the past. I have been having a hard time learning to find a balance between being a doormat and asking for help when I need it.

So, right after finishing church with Alissa, I drove down to Solid Rock. It's probably the biggest church I've ever been to, when I wasn't there for a show or some sort of event. I didn't do the "first time visitor" bag, either. One thing that instantly impressed me was a couple that sat right behind me just started warmly and openly talking to me about when they go, the other campuses and didn't ask where I was from, what I was about, they just invited me in. Second thing: the worship was awesome. Peaceful, acoustic worship is great...but I like when there are layers. When it's loud and I can be loud. When it feels like you can fight for something when you're singing. That's where my heart is. That's part of where it always has been. Third: the message was relevant to me. I mean, it pushed me and I'm still thinking about it. It was about praying. Not hesitating to pray. To pray for other people, and keep an open dialogue with God. About how things wont make you happy. Situations. Relationships. How God doesn't half ass things. He does them all the way. If you dive in, you can get to where you want to be faster (with your relationship with him, anyway)...and then we were told to pray with the people around us. Dude, totally should have been uncomfortable for me since I didn't know anyone, but it wasn't. The couple behind me just opened up and told me what they needed. I told them what I needed, and we prayed. And it made me think.

I've been thinking about it for a long time. I'm not comfortable with certain aspects of Christianity. I don't really pray out loud. I pray in my head. It's a quiet dialogue that, when I'm in the right place, is going constantly. I mean, I've prayed over people. I've called out in worship at church before...but it's not where I'm comfortable, because there's a certain language that people who have been Christians for life have that I don't have. I'm a first generation Christian, and I became friends with people whose families raised them in the right way. Or they went to Bible College and learned this language. I became a Christian when I was 16, and only hardcore went to church until I was 20 or 21, and throughout that time, my dialogue with God was primarily silent, in my head. I dated a youth pastor for a while who would lead us in prayer, but he was a first generation Christian, who didn't have a problem with saying, "Dude, God, thank you for this and this and this. You're so rad, and blah, and blah." I don't actually believe that I have to say a certain set of words, but being told I was too "of this world" and judged for it left me with reservations about openly praying. But I prayed for this couple, and it was good. Lastly, I believe love is love. I believe that God can be there inside of the love a gay couple has for each other, and I think we do a gross disservice by shunning any kind of love...and as I was leaving, I saw a car with an equality sticker on it. So, it was a good day...and I'll be going back next week...and I'm excited about it.

In other news:
I deleted my Facebook. I spend way too much time on it, and it only serves to make me angry. It's a distraction, and it allows me to indulge myself. It reminds me of my complete and total lack of patience. It also enables me to not have meaningful relationships with people. If I can read about what they are doing, I don't need to actually talk to them, or find out if that's what is really happening in their lives, or if it's just a pretty picture they're painting. And maybe, if I can't indulge myself, I wont get pissed off about the things I don't have. I can focus on the great things I do have.

life is weird.

Well, it is. Strange things keep happening to me, and I feel like God is fighting really hard for me right now. Like the last year I've been struggling to put myself back together on my own by telling myself that everything is going to be okay and constantly saying the same things again and again to keep myself on the right path. And now he's just kind of there, saying, "Hey, I could have made this easier if you just would have listened in the first place."

Well, guess what, I didn't. But I'm trying to now...and it's confusing. So I've learned to accept love. So I've learned to love myself. Now I'm trying to get comfortable with becoming a part of a church family again. I'm terrified. It's not like I ever turned my back on God. I've never denied my faith in him, but his people suck. Well, mostly. Some of his people are the most beautiful people I've ever met. Either way, weird crap keeps happening. I'm trying to have a soft heart. I'm still scared. It's going to take a lot for me to have faith in a church family again. To let go of all of the crap. But I think that's where he wants me to be.

Ugh. I just want clarity. Everything is so muddled right now. Confusing. All of these feelings. For the first time in my life, I am truly seeking out what is actually healthy for me. I'm willing to make the hard choices to be happy. But it seems like as I make a choice that seems to be healthy, something challenges it. Maybe that means I'm doing something right. I don't know.

I know I'm thankful for this space. This is the first quiet journal I've kept in years. I haven't journaled for myself since after my dad died. I mean, I always journal for myself, but it's with the knowledge that others will be reading. I feel like a nutter when I reread it because I just restate things for myself. Like repeating a mantra is going to make it better. It kind of works, so far.

Whatever. I'm going to go talk to the dude in the sky for a while. Maybe tonight, if I really let go, he'll talk back. Can't hurt to try.

verbal diarrhea

On Sunday, I went and saw Blue Like Jazz by myself. I've gone to the movies by myself a couple of times prior to this, when I've wanted to see something that no one else would see with me. I did it with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which I fell asleep during...oops). Previously, when I've done this, I've been the only person in the theater by myself. At Blue Like Jazz, there were at least four other people who went by themselves. One was a rather large man in his 40's. One was another girl around my age (maybe younger), a guy around my age, and a guy younger than me. I was the only person in the theater who laughed out loud, and at seemingly inappropriate times.

The movie was hardly anything like the book. It had terrible CGI. TERRIBLE CGI. There's a scene near the beginning of the movie where Don is a poorly animated bunny chasing a carrot to "his future" in Oregon. If they had omitted that scene, I would have recommended to all of my friends that they see it. I will still recommend it, but not without a lot of laughing, and explaining first. A lot of the characters in the story remind me of my friends, or places I've been in my life.

When the movie was over, I lingered. I wanted to see who was on the soundtrack, because there were some good songs, but I had also sent my brother a text to meet up at the bar by his house. The guy around my age who came by himself kept looking back at me, and then stood up to leave. I wanted to see him the light, to see if I knew him somehow, so I got up after he left. I felt this creepy feeling. A weird draw. I've had it a few times before in my life. I've ignored it once or twice, and listened to it a couple of other times. The times I've listened have worked out well, and the times when I haven't have worked out really poorly. When I was a sophomore, I went to prom with the guy I was dating. His exgirlfriend had started dating this guy who was on and off of anti-depression medication. At the prom, outside, he made eye contact with me from across the patio, and I knew I should talk to him...but I didn't really know Rob that well. Two days later, he hung himself. I don't blame myself, but I always told myself I'd listen when I got gut feelings again.

I couldn't tell if this was one of those moments, or just that the guy was really attractive. Either way, I didn't say anything. The guy walked behind me, and watched me get into my car. I should have said something, but whatever. It is what it is. I can't think of what it would have been anyway. How I'd be pulled towards a complete stranger of the opposite sex, especially after just deciding to give up on trying to have relationships.

So, anyway...bar, with my brother. My brother has always been resistant to dealing with any issues from the past. He puts a coat of vaseline over issues and lets everything slide right over it. He's done it mostly with drugs, sometimes with girls, sometimes with meaningless sex. Matti is also the kind of guy who doesn't shut the fuck up, but also doesn't talk about anything that matters. Last time we were at my mom's house, she made me tell him how much I love him because he told her that he wants to kill himself because he doesn't think I love him. I'll admit it, I'm really shitty at family. My family drives me fucking nuts. As a defense mechanism I've cut them out over the years. I have tried to learn to keep them closer recently, but I only keep them close enough that I don't go ape-shit. It's taken me years to get to a healthy place. And now my brother is trying to get to a healthy place. He's in therapy. He's talking candidly about Dad dying. Talking about how he is finally dealing with shit that happened 8 years ago. I'm proud of him, but it's hard to listen to. He tells me about how he wakes up from night terrors, screaming like it all happened yesterday. It took me years to get over this. I did all of this. I hope he has an easier time of it. I hope that his girlfriend stays around for it, too. I don't know if he can handle going through all of this shit and his girlfriend leaving. I hope he doesn't get the half of what I got. But I don't know if he will. Or maybe it will be worse because he's buried it for so long.

Lately, I've just been reflecting a lot. About the things I want, where I've come from, and the amount of ground I've gained in the last year. I'm finally home. I have a job that pays well, and I'm comfortable being by myself for the first time. I'm starting to realize I can have all of the things in my life that I've always wanted and that I'm healthy enough to not push away people because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm starting to form a list of qualities in my head, and not settling for less. I'm still trying to find a balance between being soft enough to let people in, and hard enough to not let them walk all over me, but hey, what fun is life if you have all of the answers?