life is weird.

Well, it is. Strange things keep happening to me, and I feel like God is fighting really hard for me right now. Like the last year I've been struggling to put myself back together on my own by telling myself that everything is going to be okay and constantly saying the same things again and again to keep myself on the right path. And now he's just kind of there, saying, "Hey, I could have made this easier if you just would have listened in the first place."

Well, guess what, I didn't. But I'm trying to now...and it's confusing. So I've learned to accept love. So I've learned to love myself. Now I'm trying to get comfortable with becoming a part of a church family again. I'm terrified. It's not like I ever turned my back on God. I've never denied my faith in him, but his people suck. Well, mostly. Some of his people are the most beautiful people I've ever met. Either way, weird crap keeps happening. I'm trying to have a soft heart. I'm still scared. It's going to take a lot for me to have faith in a church family again. To let go of all of the crap. But I think that's where he wants me to be.

Ugh. I just want clarity. Everything is so muddled right now. Confusing. All of these feelings. For the first time in my life, I am truly seeking out what is actually healthy for me. I'm willing to make the hard choices to be happy. But it seems like as I make a choice that seems to be healthy, something challenges it. Maybe that means I'm doing something right. I don't know.

I know I'm thankful for this space. This is the first quiet journal I've kept in years. I haven't journaled for myself since after my dad died. I mean, I always journal for myself, but it's with the knowledge that others will be reading. I feel like a nutter when I reread it because I just restate things for myself. Like repeating a mantra is going to make it better. It kind of works, so far.

Whatever. I'm going to go talk to the dude in the sky for a while. Maybe tonight, if I really let go, he'll talk back. Can't hurt to try.