I am a mess. I'm lost and cranky, and filled with doubt, and angry. I should be thankful. All I wanted was to get home, but I'm finding that I don't really have a home. All of these people said that they were excited for me to come back, and I'm having a hard time finding people to hang out with.
There are things that I am really bad at. I am terrible with patience. I am also terrible at being alone. I am terrible when I'm afraid of something, and I am horrible at letting go of control. I am also selfish. I mean, I love doing things for other people. I will always offer to pay for my friends if they can't afford to do something, and I love getting gifts for others, or writing a note that I know will make their day, but I am incredibly selfish in thought. 95% of what I'm thinking is about how I feel, how I could have changed situations, what would have happened if I had only done this instead of that, or how I wish life would be.
I'm trying to change all of these things. To actively work on them, but it's kind of insane in my head. Before I moved down here, everything looked like it had a certain direction it was headed, and it hasn't been anything like that.
I've been going to church with Alissa. Her pastor is rad, he's got a big heart, and I've kind of always gone to church with Alissa, aside from when I was driving up to Evangel. When she leads worship, I just want to compulsively sob. I figured it could be a good home church because I can tell that they would never let a leader in the church get away with telling someone they're not a good Christian because they dye their hair, and that they'll never be good enough because their family isn't Christian, or because they pray in a different way. But I didn't really know how to go about checking out other churches. I thought about trying Evangel again because I always felt so bonded to Jeff, but something didn't sit right with that thought. Then, out of nowhere, Eric messaged me about his church. So on Sunday I went to both churches. Back to back. It was really interesting, because some of the same things were being said in two different ways. At North Creek, the message was about speaking into others' lives. Learning to be grateful and share words of encouragement. To control your tongue with your spouse, children, coworkers, etc. In the message, Mark kept commenting about patience with your spouse, and then he, as a second thought, talked about single people, about how we'd find someone. How people in the church should speak encouragement to the single members. It was unsettling. I mean, the heart was there, was in the right place, and maybe that's where that body is. It's not where I am. I would like to have a healthy, loving relationship. I would like to someday get it right. But, right now, I'm more into getting my life right. Trusting people again. I want a family more than anything right now. I want a kid, and a strong, beautiful person to share my life with. The right kind of person. Someone who loves God and inspires me to be a better person. But I know how I am, and my relationship with God is not going to mean as much if I don't build it for myself first. So, any outside pressure to be with someone, especially because churches seem to want to pair people off, sets me back. It's not like the message fell on deaf ears. I'm kind of pissed because I felt convicted about my swearing. I'd been telling myself that God doesn't care if I say fuck. Or damn, or balls. I mean, the right thought is still behind it. Right? I guess not. I can also work on being more encouraging to other people. With learning to ask for help in the last year, I haven't been as giving as I have been in the past. I have been having a hard time learning to find a balance between being a doormat and asking for help when I need it.
So, right after finishing church with Alissa, I drove down to Solid Rock. It's probably the biggest church I've ever been to, when I wasn't there for a show or some sort of event. I didn't do the "first time visitor" bag, either. One thing that instantly impressed me was a couple that sat right behind me just started warmly and openly talking to me about when they go, the other campuses and didn't ask where I was from, what I was about, they just invited me in. Second thing: the worship was awesome. Peaceful, acoustic worship is great...but I like when there are layers. When it's loud and I can be loud. When it feels like you can fight for something when you're singing. That's where my heart is. That's part of where it always has been. Third: the message was relevant to me. I mean, it pushed me and I'm still thinking about it. It was about praying. Not hesitating to pray. To pray for other people, and keep an open dialogue with God. About how things wont make you happy. Situations. Relationships. How God doesn't half ass things. He does them all the way. If you dive in, you can get to where you want to be faster (with your relationship with him, anyway)...and then we were told to pray with the people around us. Dude, totally should have been uncomfortable for me since I didn't know anyone, but it wasn't. The couple behind me just opened up and told me what they needed. I told them what I needed, and we prayed. And it made me think.
I've been thinking about it for a long time. I'm not comfortable with certain aspects of Christianity. I don't really pray out loud. I pray in my head. It's a quiet dialogue that, when I'm in the right place, is going constantly. I mean, I've prayed over people. I've called out in worship at church before...but it's not where I'm comfortable, because there's a certain language that people who have been Christians for life have that I don't have. I'm a first generation Christian, and I became friends with people whose families raised them in the right way. Or they went to Bible College and learned this language. I became a Christian when I was 16, and only hardcore went to church until I was 20 or 21, and throughout that time, my dialogue with God was primarily silent, in my head. I dated a youth pastor for a while who would lead us in prayer, but he was a first generation Christian, who didn't have a problem with saying, "Dude, God, thank you for this and this and this. You're so rad, and blah, and blah." I don't actually believe that I have to say a certain set of words, but being told I was too "of this world" and judged for it left me with reservations about openly praying. But I prayed for this couple, and it was good. Lastly, I believe love is love. I believe that God can be there inside of the love a gay couple has for each other, and I think we do a gross disservice by shunning any kind of love...and as I was leaving, I saw a car with an equality sticker on it. So, it was a good day...and I'll be going back next week...and I'm excited about it.
In other news:
I deleted my Facebook. I spend way too much time on it, and it only serves to make me angry. It's a distraction, and it allows me to indulge myself. It reminds me of my complete and total lack of patience. It also enables me to not have meaningful relationships with people. If I can read about what they are doing, I don't need to actually talk to them, or find out if that's what is really happening in their lives, or if it's just a pretty picture they're painting. And maybe, if I can't indulge myself, I wont get pissed off about the things I don't have. I can focus on the great things I do have.
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