desire is the grassfire drinking gasoline

When I need a good cry, I usually put on a movie that strikes a chord with me. Last night I put on Good Will Hunting. I will usually watch it when it is on TV, but I haven't had cable in three years, and I can only catch 30 minutes of a movie at work. The part where Robin Williams slowly tells Will that everything that has happened to him is not his fault gets me every fucking time. Every time.

 Last week was a really bad week. A lot of crap came up and slapped me across the face. It came to a head on Friday, and I felt really alone. I want a family pretty badly right now. People who are there for me, no matter what. It helped that Nolan asked me to give him his bath. Me to read his bedtime story. Me to stay with him after we all prayed...and I did. I laid there quietly, and watched him fall asleep, and after he was asleep, tears just started pouring down my face until I fell asleep. I'm stressed and nervous about tomorrow. And I have all of these wants right now. Crazy desires. I need to focus on something else. I know I'm going to have all of the things I want in life. But right now I need to focus on what I need. I have only three months left of paying off my lawyer. That is incredibly exciting. I need to get my stuff moved into a storage unit, or into an apartment. Neither feels really right. I want to stay here another month, but I should probably go. It's going to be hard enough to leave Nolan. I know I can come over anytime. I just want a family so bad right now. I've spent the last year putting my life back together, and this has been the crowning jewel. Living with a kid. Seeing what it's like. He enriches my life.

 Either way, it's time to make my own place. My nest. Pull my head out of the clouds and the dreams and making my own happiness. Getting outdoors. Climbing. I haven't been hiking once since I've been home. Fail. Serious fail...but first, take care of tomorrow. Move stuff out of the garage it's in this week. Maybe find a place to live.

 Ugh.

two weeks home.

I want this.

I thought I'd miss Mt. Vernon more. I barely think about the valley. I think about my friends sometimes, but I'm so caught up in my new role at work, seeing old friends, and thinking about how different it is to be home. How much it really feels like home. I've had a couple of people ask me why I came back. I respond with the same thing, "I never wanted to leave." I get to do a lot of explaining about who I am, where I've been, what I'm about to all of the new people I meet at work. Sometimes it's hard to answer. I am getting incredibly tired of people asking me where I went to school. I almost feel like I'm less of a person in the eyes of others without a degree. I am, apparently, very fortunate to be at my level without a degree.

One thing I am not sick of is the opportunity I have to learn and grow in my store. Target rarely ever shuts down stores. I get to help close Jantzen Beach. I get to help with merchandise transfers, merchandising a store that is trying to close down, yet still maintain all of our normal standards. We are 59 days out from our store closing. After the store closes, I get to go be support help in another store for two months. Then I get the amazing opportunity to open a brand new store. I get to help with planorama, stocking, training a new team, and all that comes with all new equipment, fixtures, etc. I got to go to Hawaii to help with the first Target opened on the islands. That was so amazing, that I really can't wait to get to do it again here in Portland. I'm hoping that I can play my cards just right and get to help open the Portland City Target...but who knows where I will be in a year.

Aside from work, it's been nice to be home. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by memories that flash back when I am driving around town. I have done so much in this town. It feels like I have lived the lives of four different people, not just one. I run into people who I haven't seen in years. People keep telling me how much I've changed. I can't help but wonder how batshit crazy I seemed in the past. How people perceived me versus how I saw myself. I guess no one can ever say I'm not memorable. I'm learning a lot about that as well. That's a post for a different day.