When I need a good cry, I usually put on a movie that strikes a chord with me. Last night I put on Good Will Hunting. I will usually watch it when it is on TV, but I haven't had cable in three years, and I can only catch 30 minutes of a movie at work. The part where Robin Williams slowly tells Will that everything that has happened to him is not his fault gets me every fucking time. Every time.
Last week was a really bad week. A lot of crap came up and slapped me across the face. It came to a head on Friday, and I felt really alone. I want a family pretty badly right now. People who are there for me, no matter what. It helped that Nolan asked me to give him his bath. Me to read his bedtime story. Me to stay with him after we all prayed...and I did. I laid there quietly, and watched him fall asleep, and after he was asleep, tears just started pouring down my face until I fell asleep.
I'm stressed and nervous about tomorrow. And I have all of these wants right now. Crazy desires. I need to focus on something else. I know I'm going to have all of the things I want in life. But right now I need to focus on what I need. I have only three months left of paying off my lawyer. That is incredibly exciting. I need to get my stuff moved into a storage unit, or into an apartment. Neither feels really right. I want to stay here another month, but I should probably go. It's going to be hard enough to leave Nolan. I know I can come over anytime. I just want a family so bad right now. I've spent the last year putting my life back together, and this has been the crowning jewel. Living with a kid. Seeing what it's like. He enriches my life.
Either way, it's time to make my own place. My nest. Pull my head out of the clouds and the dreams and making my own happiness. Getting outdoors. Climbing. I haven't been hiking once since I've been home. Fail. Serious fail...but first, take care of tomorrow. Move stuff out of the garage it's in this week. Maybe find a place to live.
Ugh.
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