On Sunday, I went and saw Blue Like Jazz by myself. I've gone to the movies by myself a couple of times prior to this, when I've wanted to see something that no one else would see with me. I did it with Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (which I fell asleep during...oops). Previously, when I've done this, I've been the only person in the theater by myself. At Blue Like Jazz, there were at least four other people who went by themselves. One was a rather large man in his 40's. One was another girl around my age (maybe younger), a guy around my age, and a guy younger than me. I was the only person in the theater who laughed out loud, and at seemingly inappropriate times.
The movie was hardly anything like the book. It had terrible CGI. TERRIBLE CGI. There's a scene near the beginning of the movie where Don is a poorly animated bunny chasing a carrot to "his future" in Oregon. If they had omitted that scene, I would have recommended to all of my friends that they see it. I will still recommend it, but not without a lot of laughing, and explaining first. A lot of the characters in the story remind me of my friends, or places I've been in my life.
When the movie was over, I lingered. I wanted to see who was on the soundtrack, because there were some good songs, but I had also sent my brother a text to meet up at the bar by his house. The guy around my age who came by himself kept looking back at me, and then stood up to leave. I wanted to see him the light, to see if I knew him somehow, so I got up after he left. I felt this creepy feeling. A weird draw. I've had it a few times before in my life. I've ignored it once or twice, and listened to it a couple of other times. The times I've listened have worked out well, and the times when I haven't have worked out really poorly. When I was a sophomore, I went to prom with the guy I was dating. His exgirlfriend had started dating this guy who was on and off of anti-depression medication. At the prom, outside, he made eye contact with me from across the patio, and I knew I should talk to him...but I didn't really know Rob that well. Two days later, he hung himself. I don't blame myself, but I always told myself I'd listen when I got gut feelings again.
I couldn't tell if this was one of those moments, or just that the guy was really attractive. Either way, I didn't say anything. The guy walked behind me, and watched me get into my car. I should have said something, but whatever. It is what it is. I can't think of what it would have been anyway. How I'd be pulled towards a complete stranger of the opposite sex, especially after just deciding to give up on trying to have relationships.
So, anyway...bar, with my brother. My brother has always been resistant to dealing with any issues from the past. He puts a coat of vaseline over issues and lets everything slide right over it. He's done it mostly with drugs, sometimes with girls, sometimes with meaningless sex. Matti is also the kind of guy who doesn't shut the fuck up, but also doesn't talk about anything that matters. Last time we were at my mom's house, she made me tell him how much I love him because he told her that he wants to kill himself because he doesn't think I love him. I'll admit it, I'm really shitty at family. My family drives me fucking nuts. As a defense mechanism I've cut them out over the years. I have tried to learn to keep them closer recently, but I only keep them close enough that I don't go ape-shit. It's taken me years to get to a healthy place. And now my brother is trying to get to a healthy place. He's in therapy. He's talking candidly about Dad dying. Talking about how he is finally dealing with shit that happened 8 years ago. I'm proud of him, but it's hard to listen to. He tells me about how he wakes up from night terrors, screaming like it all happened yesterday. It took me years to get over this. I did all of this. I hope he has an easier time of it. I hope that his girlfriend stays around for it, too. I don't know if he can handle going through all of this shit and his girlfriend leaving. I hope he doesn't get the half of what I got. But I don't know if he will. Or maybe it will be worse because he's buried it for so long.
Lately, I've just been reflecting a lot. About the things I want, where I've come from, and the amount of ground I've gained in the last year. I'm finally home. I have a job that pays well, and I'm comfortable being by myself for the first time. I'm starting to realize I can have all of the things in my life that I've always wanted and that I'm healthy enough to not push away people because I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm starting to form a list of qualities in my head, and not settling for less. I'm still trying to find a balance between being soft enough to let people in, and hard enough to not let them walk all over me, but hey, what fun is life if you have all of the answers?
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