progeny.

5 years ago, I was resolved to never have children. 10 years ago, I said I'd wait until I was 25, but no later than 30.

A few months ago, I said it would take an amazing man to make me want to have a kid of my own. I got into the idea of dating someone with a kid. I've always had a phobia of babies. They seem so delicate, and they can't communicate. Nolan was the first baby I ever spent any amount of time around, and I didn't really enjoy myself until I could see him starting to figure out how to talk, how the outside world worked. I thought it would be kind of amazing to be with someone who had a toddler, or older. Young enough that I could still be a part of their formative years, and old enough that I can be respectful of their boundaries and they could let me know how they feel about me being in their life.

Last night, Blaine and I were watching Nolan. I'm not going to lie, it made me think about having kids. We've already had the kid talk, but it was only a couple of days into hanging out. He said he didn't want to have more kids because he came from a split family and he got treated poorly by the stepfather when they had more kids. He doesn't want his daughter to ever feel that way. I didn't really have a problem with that, because I assumed we could eventually get joint custody of his daughter. Last night, he asked again. I told him I felt the same. I told him completely honestly that having my own kid kind of scared me, that the world is full of children who need love, and I don't need my genetic material in the mix. I think he was amazed by the response, because he could pretty much read on my face how I felt when I watched him and Nolan. I asked him if his views had changed because of something that changed in his life. He just told me that he didn't think I'd be happy not having a kid. That it's not the same to love someone else's. I don't know that I necessarily think it is, but I don't see the harm in it. He told me that there should be little copies of me running around, that it would make the world a better place. That, for the first time since his daughter was born, he's okay with the idea of having another kid. I had to tell him that it's not something in the cards anytime soon.

For the first time, I'm thinking that if an accident happened, I wouldn't have it taken care of, or regret it. That having a kid with Blaine would be amazing. I'm not ready for it, but it's just insane to see how my whole life has changed because of love.