of love and death.

all human beings require love. so why is it so hard to simply love and be loved?

I can explain until my face is blue all the reasons why I fear giving over all of myself to a feeling that can so easily destroy my world. I never fully gave everything to my ex husband. I tried in all of the ways that I thought I should, but I didn't know what I was doing. I was always holding a piece back, because some part of me knew that I'd wind up hurt. I did everything I thought should happen. I married a guy that was nothing like my father. That made me less like my mother. I thought the farther I got from my parents, the more successful I could be. I married the guy that looked great on paper, and I loved him, but I was never tumbling out of control, couldn't feel my feet below my knees in love with him.

I feel so much around Blaine. And he pushes me. Demands that I love him in return, with all that I am. Intimacy is a language I have never been able to communicate in. Until now, I thought intimacy was telling someone everything about you. All of the fucked up things from the past, all of your fears of the future. It's how I thought I was letting my significant others in. I thought the more honest I was, the more I shared, the more they realized I was trying...but that's not intimacy. Blaine told me he didn't want to hear anymore about my ex. I didn't really know what to say. Or understand. It meant I was letting him in...but to him it meant I was pushing him away. I was projecting my fears on him. He told me he didn't want to hate some guy he'd never met for things he couldn't control. That he is a completely different person and would never do any of those things to me because he loves me. I didn't understand any of it, but I'm learning it. A new language. That letting him in means doing things I've never done with anyone else. It means being completely vulnerable, and unafraid. Letting go of all of the walls I've built up around myself. All of them. Accepting that he is going to be there regardless of how ugly it may be, how weak I may be, or how I have to fumble through stupid things that normal people do without thinking.

There are already things I have done that I never thought I'd do. I reach out for him. I hold his hand. I tell him he is beautiful and amazing. I don't get pissed when he blows up my phone on every break at work. I have stopped saying, "for future reference, when you date someone else", or alluding to us not working. I don't talk about my fears of the past repeating. I gave him a back rub for hours the other night, where I normally feel grossly uncomfortable touching someone else for that long. I tell him I miss him, even after a day, and I allow myself to feel that way. I'm moving out with him, and not allowing myself to freak out about how fast we're moving, or how much I feel. I am throwing away all creature comforts and trying to love like a child again...because I feel that way, because he deserves all of my love, and not only the parts I feel comfortable giving. Because if I don't give everything, it hurts. It hurts to think about him hurting, to think about not being with him. Because I feel like I'm starting life new. All of the things I've done in the past feel like they were all wrong. Like I need to do them all over again with this feeling in my heart. Because for the first time I don't hate cheesy love songs, I kind of understand them.

So that's it. I feel like all of the pain and hurt and terrible things in my life have died, and it's time to be free. To live life like it's supposed to be lived. I have been given an incredible gift, and I'm going to run with it.